crash&burn.

Pft. So I went shopping with the genuine intention of getting something with actual substance. The aisles turned into giant blurs, whirlwinds. Picking things up and staring at them, then the nutrition, then weighing [ha.] in my head what was right (what i deserve, what i don't. too much too little.), and putting them back down. Picking up, putting down. Walking. Running. Pacing. Staring. Wishing.
At one point I had a bag of baker's yeasts from a plastic bin that I was going to fry tofu for myself with once I got back but I couldn't buy it. Buying it meant tofu with oil and spices and akedajwelawjkewa.
I ended up with:

• 6 pack of sugar-free raspberry goji berry jello
• 6 pack of Hansen's Diet Black Cherry soda
• Organic corn thins
• Instant miso packets, without tofu
• 5 packs shirataki
• Sugar-free strawberry shortcake gum
• Sugar-Free Red Bull
• Unsweetened vanilla almond milk
• Single serve 1/2 cup mango sorbet
• Laughing Cow Light Garlic&Herb Cheese 

10. 4. 22. 30. 15. 5. 10. 40. 70. 35.

I decided I don't need the cheese and the almond milk after all, so I won't keep them. The sorbet was too much. Too adventerous. I ate it too quickly. I sat down, wanting to eat slowly, wanting to prove I COULD eat it slowly, that I didn't need it. But I ate it in less than a minute.
I got a separate list of things for the stirfry I made everyone. In the past few months I've really picked up cooking. People say my meals are delicious and say I should be a cook, ect. I wish I knew what they were talking about because I never take a bite of the things I make. I know how to make food taste good but I will not eat it that way. This time it was stirfry with crushed sesame seed and olive oil. The tofu was made separately, fried in about a cup of marinade made out of red miso paste, white balsamic vinigar, honey dijon, pepper, hot and sour paste, a little sugar to balance all the tartness, and crushed garlic cloves. The leftover marinade for that went in with the stirfry. I couldn't make myself taste it but it was like, total food porn to watch everyone eating it and enjoying it. I'm weird as fuck.

I actually ate well today, though. Despite my failure at shopping. Over 1000 calories. Yay! Not a lot of purging, even. Finally improving?

Most importantly, I miss Tiger. A lot. No internet/no phone=No TigerTime. I keep dreaming about her. I worry a lot but I keep getting to computers [even when I don't talk to her] to check on her, either on her blog or checking my email. Just in case something might be wrong. Though, it's mostly just because I want to read something written by her, something of her. <3 Creeper.
I'm only on right now because I'm at my Nani's and she's sleeping. Shhhh.