crash&burn.

I really wish I were someone else. I don't know who I want to be, but anyone but me would be just fine. Anyone. Please.



I'm tired of myself. Everything I say annoys me. I won't even look in the mirror. I'm afraid.
I want to crawl out of my skin and jump into someone else. I don't want to be me anymore. I don't want my eye color, my hair color, my smile, my personality, my 'talents', my interests, my hobbies. Everything about me is sickening. No one understands that fact. No one sees me.


I want to cut.
I want to burn.
I want to hit myself.
I want to bleed. I want to ooze blood, cover the floor in red.
I want to cut to the bone. I know a few places I could do it while avoiding muscle and veins. I want to see my bones. If I'm going to gain weight and not be able to see them through my skin, I want to cut my way to them.
I want razors buried in my legs, slicing and making noises like ripping damp silk. I want metal, red and hot from flame, pressed to my arms and making my skin bubble. I want retractable blades, all the way out of their covers, driving blindly into me, back and forth and back again. I want glass shards shoved under my skin. I want shattered pieces of the mirrors I break stuck in my face. Then I want to punch myself, over and over, digging the mirror-pieces in deeper. I want to try to break my arm again, slam it in the car door until the bone splits.
I want to starve myself, nothing inside me at all, until I am bones and only bones, ugly and horribly thin. I want to eat all the food in the world until my stomach is pregnant with food and then I want to gag and puke and make it hurt even more.
I want to bleed so badly. I want to hurt. I want to feel pain. I want that overload in my senses, curling my toes and biting my lip and trying not to scream.

I want to tear myself to pieces.