crash&burn.

    At night, I attack the inside of my mouth with my nails. I rip pieces of my gums out and claw at my tongue and scratchscratchscratch. I spit blood and then go to sleep.

    When I wake up, my stomach is screaming. I don't understand. I ate yesterday.
   I go to the refrigerator. There's left over pizza boxes, bread, peanut butter, full fat cheese, bagels, and juice. None of it is allowed inside me. I open the fruit and vegetable drawer. Baby carrots, bell pepper, apples. I pick up a semi-bruised apple and turn it over in my hands. It would be easy to eat, just sink my teeth in. I put it back. Apples are the forbidden fruit. But it doesn't matter. All food is forbidden, fruit or not fruit.
    I take a Diet Coke bottle out instead, and fill myself with chemicals. The Mother's voice screeches up on high. "I'm worried about how much Nutrasweet you're drinking. I'm sick of all your diet bullshit."
I wish she would leave me alone and make some kind of choice. She decides what friends I can and can't have, and what ones I can see. She decides that I don't belong in a high school, so she keeps me home. She decides everything for me. I can't make a simple choice, like wanting to go on a walk down the block. I'm not allowed. I see everyone else, every other fifteen year old, going out and having fun, going out and having fun and going to school. But I am not allowed. If she decides even what I eat or drink, I will not be myself at all anymore.
   I WISH SHE WOULD AT LEAST LET ME HAVE THIS. THIS ONE FUCKING THING. THIS ONE THING I WANT. JUST LET ME DECIDE WHETHER OR NOT TO EAT, AND WHAT TO EAT. JUST GIVE ME SOME KIND OF CHOICE.

   Mom asks me why I'm crying. The Mother asks what's wrong. I make up some retarded excuse about being sad about not seeing my friends. I make up some stupid superficial lie and she rolls her eyes and yells. "You act like you've got it so bad! You know, if your dad has to leave, you're going to regret acting this way." I sniffle and try to look like I'm not breaking into pieces again. "I know...I'm sorry. I feel stupid. I'm sorry."
Everytime someone talks to me today, I burst out in tears. I'm not sure why.

2 cups veggies w/ tofu = +95
1/2 slice cheese = +30
1/2 soft taco shell = +40
1/2 bottle diet coke = +4
1 small fruit cup = +90
2 tablespoons hot salsa = +10
exercise = -1530
weight = -0.400 lbs