I stare myself down.
I want to see me bony, I want to see every bone so clearly that my skin stretches over them when I move. I want to be thin and pure, finally, an empty vessel. I want to see me, thin, thin and so empty that I can't feel any more.
I want to see me, bleeding and small. I want every layer to come undone until I finally understand what my essence is. I want to see myself at the bone, whether I have to slice or starve my way to it.
I want to see me, with death reflected in my eyes.
Why can't I even bring myself to want to get better? Everyone has always wished me well in my 'recovery', encouraged me. Now, those who know it's happening again tell me to be strong and that I can beat this. I say I'm trying. I'm not trying anymore. It's too hard.
A few months ago, I wanted out so badly. I was ready to claw my way out. I was so ready. I don't know what happened.
Why can't I just want to eat?
I want to see me bony, I want to see every bone so clearly that my skin stretches over them when I move. I want to be thin and pure, finally, an empty vessel. I want to see me, thin, thin and so empty that I can't feel any more.
I want to see me, bleeding and small. I want every layer to come undone until I finally understand what my essence is. I want to see myself at the bone, whether I have to slice or starve my way to it.
I want to see me, with death reflected in my eyes.
Why can't I even bring myself to want to get better? Everyone has always wished me well in my 'recovery', encouraged me. Now, those who know it's happening again tell me to be strong and that I can beat this. I say I'm trying. I'm not trying anymore. It's too hard.
A few months ago, I wanted out so badly. I was ready to claw my way out. I was so ready. I don't know what happened.
Why can't I just want to eat?
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