I hate buffets. It's like group binging. No one wants to use the bathroom together, so why do people want to eat together? Alone when it goes out should happen for going in too.
I scoop garlic-y vegetables (200) onto my plate. "If you only eat diet crap, you're going to end up in the hospital again," my mom says, following me around the tables as I make my selections.
"I'm not mom. This isn't all I'm eating. Leave me alone, it's not a big deal."
She stares as my hand shakes picking up a scoop of watermelon (48) and drop it on my plate.
"You have to eat some carbs or protein."
While eating I drop the spring roll under my seat and kick it away.
"Do you want some soup? I'll get you some."
I can't let her win this game. She rules every aspect of my life, making every decision. "No, mom. I can get my own food, " I snap, and gulp down Diet Coke.
She comes back and gives me cookies and ice cream cones and triestriestries.
pleaseeat, ari. justeatsomething, honey. pleaseeat. eat! eat! eat! eatthis. pleaseeathtis. YOUHAVETOEATTHIS. NO. NO. NO.NO. I hate the script but it doesn't stop.
I hate eating out. Everytime I bring food back to our booth I feel like the entire restaurant stares my way. Someone glances at me and I'm so convinced they're trying not to laugh at how much I'm eating. Like, 'oh my god. is she eating 1/2 a cup of pear? what a fat bitch. she doesn't need anymore food!'. It's blinding.
I hate feeling cold all the time. Why am I so cold? I can't stop shaking.
I hate me.
I eat 655 calories and draw lines across my thighs. They gape open and show what I'm made of, fat tissue.
weight: -0.300 lb
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