crash&burn.

I woke up too late to go to my physical class because I stayed up late exercising after my binge.

I was so disappointed. Two hours of straight exercise would've done me good. At home, I can't because Mom would notice and have a cow.

We went to meet with Mr. D about the art competition. He thinks I can win it.

The prize is 2,000 dollars and worldwide recognition.

I'm not good enough for that, for anything.

But everyone dealing with the competition thinks so, so I'm entering my best drawing.

Only, I don't have a best drawing. Just unpresentable half assed ones with overdone shading and no meaning.

Waking up I had half a packet of oatmeal(65) before Mom could even complain about me not eating enough.

Through the day I worked out enough to burn 1,354 calories (not including my stay-up until five exercising). Thank god.

After we got home from meeting Mr. D I had four baby carrots in a bowl with some salt, and ate it heated up and cut into bites(20).

Then, we went Christmas shopping for my dad. After an hour and a half of walking, we had all his presents. He's going to be so happy for when he comes home!

Mom keeps saying that I'm going to have a 'very, very good Christmas' with that I-Know-Something-You-Don't look that parents get here and there.

I wonder if they'll get me the books I've been wanting...Hmm.

Well, dinner is on the horizon and I'm feeling...powerful. On 85 calories, my world isn't spinning and I feel like I can handle more restriction. I can't believe I was hospitalized last time when it wasn't even that bad.

Speaking of...'last time'...The Friend and I had a conversation about it. I always assumed she just thought I had been looking for attention or just going for the 'beautiful and broken' thing half the kids alive do, but when we talked about it in her usual check of if I'm alright or not, she...She was worried.

The Friend: Yeah, but...We seriously thought you were going to die.

Me: ...I wasn't going to die. It wasn't that big of a deal.

The Friend: Um, bandages on wrists all the time, doesn't eat, always in the bathroom stall after lunch, oh yeah, such not a big deal.

I can't handle it though. I can't handle that my body is 20.86 % fat. Over 20 percent of me is...fat. Does that mean the rest is skinny, the rest is barely bones? I need that. I need to think I'm more than just ugly and fat, that there is another side winning.

At dinner, I made myself salad with Lite Italian dressing and made some tofu. I stuffed the tofu in my shirt when Mom wasn't looking, even took a bite out of the last one, spit it out, and left the part with the bite out of it to look like I ate. I really did eat the salad and dressing(20).

My days are measured in numbers, and today my number was 105.

But then once again, Mom is worried and I eat for her.

New day is 415.