time is going by
so much faster than i
and i’ve started to regret not spending a little with you.

now i’m wondering why
i’ve kept this bottled inside,
so i’ve started to regret not telling all of it to you.


so if I haven’t yet,
i’ve gotta let you know:
you’re never gonna be alone
from this moment on.
if you ever feel like letting go,
i won’t let you fall.
you’re never gonna be alone,
i’ll hold you until the hurt is gone.

Day 5 Log / 2028 calories / 0 cuts

No more slacking on this. :P

Breakfast -
1 packet banana oatmeal made with water [130]
1 sugar-free popsicle [44]


Lunch -
1/2 lettuce and cheese sandwich [1 slice wheat bread, 1/2 slice cheese, 1 piece lettuce] [110]
1 dill pickle spear [10]
3 banana chips [25]
1 cigarette [ERSKRJKHERS.] [0]


Dinner -
1 cup pasta [400]
3 banana chips [25]


Snacks/Other -
2 dried apple rings [35]
1 sugar-free popsicle [44]
3 banana chips [25]
3 baby carrots [15]
1 Fiber One blueberry muffin [160]
1 cigarette [DAKJWEAHE. D:<] [0]
Then, dad brought home halloween candy from a store.A EAWKEJAWLKAEJ. I binged [1005] with the original intention of purging then eventually convinced myself not to. I took laxatives afterwards, though.
Drinks -
8 cups water [0]


Exercise -
A few walks throughout the day.

Harm -
Ripped open a healing cut. =/

Notes -
All day it's felt like I'm digesting tacks. I don't even know why. It'll be manageable pain then all the sudden it hits me really hard and I would keel over in middle of whatever I'm doing. This has happened before, one time it was so bad that I was curled up in bed crying and Mom almost took me to the hospital. adjaejkawea. My stomach is feeling 4233124238421831284 times better now than it was earlier, though.
Moar complaining. The infected cuts on my lower thigh still haven't even closed and they hurt really bad. I limp a little bit sometimes but hopefully no one has noticed that. They feel better today than yesterday but I'm vaguely worried about how long they're going to take to heal. Seeing them just makes me want to make more and more. I'm also interested to how they'll look when they heal. One is a little jagged so I wonder how the scar will look. And the other keeps ripping open more so I wonder if it'll be part way keloid scar and part normal scar.
I still can't even believe this is me, my life. I could never imagine myself ever eating so little as I have. I could never have imagined myself purging. Once when I was seven I heard people sometimes cut themselves and I couldn't fanthom why. I swore to never smoke. I'm just not the person I thought I'd be. It's surreal because time keeps passing without permission and going too fast, then suddenly I'm a different person again. I worry I'm never the same. If everything is always changing does that mean nothing ever changes at all?

and i'll be your reason why.

I'm leaving this.
For you, for silly pictures and dancing on the beach and yelling to loud music, for long talks and never being uncomfortable around each other. For all the good times we've had and all the ones we WILL have.
This is terrifying me, but at the same time I'm so excited. This is what I've been afraid of. This one person, they seem so innocent at first, they won't change you, right? But then suddenly they're in your heart, and you begin to care about everything that person cares about. Their interests, their pets, their family. And then suddenly you're off caring about yourself and your life and you're screwed. Normally I would've pushed away long ago, but I'm staying in this. I'm not giving up on you or this.
So, Tiger-Dear, I'll be here for you. No more nights alone. We can do this. <3

[] No binging and purging for a week. Reward: Go to Dakota's house.

[] No cutting for nine days. Reward: Buy an above-knee skirt to wear with socks
[] No cutting for a month. Reward: Buy an above-knee skirt to wear WITHOUT socks
[] No binging and purging for a month. Reward: Teeth whitening.
[] Start eating 500 calories a day for 3 days, then 600 for 3 days,
then 800 for 3. Work way up to 1200. Reward: Energy
[] Talk to a therapist about possibility of sexual abuse without
screaming or lying. Reward: Relief
[] Work on staying in a healthy weight range [135, maybe?], and establishing moderate exercise routine. Reward: Health
[] Being steady for a year [binging and purging once a month or less, eating over 1000 calories 75% of the time]. Reward: Visting Tiger! :D

Really tired.