I moved the hay bales out of the hayshed because I was going to sweep the floor and get rid of all the old bits of hay before it started molding. Mom walked out, started freaking out because Dad had just loaded it in there, woke him up, and started screaming at me.
“Everytime someone does something you just screw it up! Why? Because Arianna knows everything about horses!”
“Hi, I’m Arianna and I know so much about horses. More than anyone else and only I do things right.” She imitates me in a snotty, squeaky voice.
Clapping, she yells more. “Good job fucking Ariaaaaanna!”
“Mom, I was just cleaning so…”
“I know, you were just doing things riiight. Because only you can do things right. And you make sure to let eeeeeeveryone know that you know everything. About horses, about grammar and spelling, about every fucking thing under the sun. It’s fucking annoying. And you don‘t know shit about horses!”
The fighting when on like that for ten minutes, I came back inside, got yelled at more, and went outside behind the barn. I curled my knees up to my chest and cried like the pathetic little bitch I am. Not about the fight, not really, but because I’m just wearing too thin. I’m falling apart and everything hurts. Mom followed me, starting poking fun at me for crying, I started screaming at her to let me just be alone for one second. “I can’t let you be alone because you’re just going to carve yourself up. You’re such a fucking liar.”
I act like I know everything on the planet and I know nothing. I’m sorry I’m arrogant. I’m sorry I’m so annoying. I’m sorry I ruin everything. I’m sorry I’m pathetic. I’m sorry that I cry so much. I’m sorry that I’m a whining, pathetic little bitch who can’t do anything but feel pity for herself. I’m sorry that I act like I’m the only person that matters. I’m sorry I constantly complain about my parents when I’m the one who’s wrong. I’m sorry I can’t do anything right. I’m sorry I’m not good enough. I’m sorry sorry sorry. So fucking sorry.
I miss Tiger so much. I’m worrying about her a lot. I hope she’s okay. I miss hearing her voice. I miss saying ‘good morning, beautiful. take your vitamins!’. I miss rambling to her about little things. I miss her more than I thought was possible. I always forget what it’s like when I can’t be around her. It fucking sucks.
“Everytime someone does something you just screw it up! Why? Because Arianna knows everything about horses!”
“Hi, I’m Arianna and I know so much about horses. More than anyone else and only I do things right.” She imitates me in a snotty, squeaky voice.
Clapping, she yells more. “Good job fucking Ariaaaaanna!”
“Mom, I was just cleaning so…”
“I know, you were just doing things riiight. Because only you can do things right. And you make sure to let eeeeeeveryone know that you know everything. About horses, about grammar and spelling, about every fucking thing under the sun. It’s fucking annoying. And you don‘t know shit about horses!”
The fighting when on like that for ten minutes, I came back inside, got yelled at more, and went outside behind the barn. I curled my knees up to my chest and cried like the pathetic little bitch I am. Not about the fight, not really, but because I’m just wearing too thin. I’m falling apart and everything hurts. Mom followed me, starting poking fun at me for crying, I started screaming at her to let me just be alone for one second. “I can’t let you be alone because you’re just going to carve yourself up. You’re such a fucking liar.”
I act like I know everything on the planet and I know nothing. I’m sorry I’m arrogant. I’m sorry I’m so annoying. I’m sorry I ruin everything. I’m sorry I’m pathetic. I’m sorry that I cry so much. I’m sorry that I’m a whining, pathetic little bitch who can’t do anything but feel pity for herself. I’m sorry that I act like I’m the only person that matters. I’m sorry I constantly complain about my parents when I’m the one who’s wrong. I’m sorry I can’t do anything right. I’m sorry I’m not good enough. I’m sorry sorry sorry. So fucking sorry.
I miss Tiger so much. I’m worrying about her a lot. I hope she’s okay. I miss hearing her voice. I miss saying ‘good morning, beautiful. take your vitamins!’. I miss rambling to her about little things. I miss her more than I thought was possible. I always forget what it’s like when I can’t be around her. It fucking sucks.
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