crash&burn.

I miss you. I have no other way to say it. I miss you so much.
I hate distance. I randomly started crying over it last night.

I want to do something ridiculously stupid and dangerous. I want to find the big, big, biggest knife and cut all the way to the bone, not just once - over and over and over. I want to heat the teakettle until it is squealing and hold it against that stupid word I carved on my right thigh. I’d do anything to be rid of it. I can’t even say it or type it. I told Tiger, but I don’t think I could tell here. I want to burn that skin, then cut it completely off. I want to cut my face, deep. No, I want to cut the flesh of my face completely off. I want to swallow a bottle of pills. I want to drink all the alcohol in the cabinet downstairs. I want to smoke all the cigarettes in this house. I want to go swimming in the pond, with the 24 degree weather, in my underwear. I want to fuck random strangers. I want to meet a drug dealer and get needles and baggies and pills and things that will shut my head up. I want someone to hit me, hurt me in any way they can. I want to drive to the store at ninety miles an hour and buy a shitload of food, laxatives, diuretics, and diet pills. Then come home, eat, throw up, take laxatives/diuretics, and overdose on diet pills. I want to forgeeeeet to eat for a week. I want to exercise for eight hours straight. I want to take a hammer to my bones. I want to cut off all the fat on my body. I want to tear out my hair strand by strand. I want all these things I cannot have [because i am ’recovered’. she’s doing so well, everyone! totally better! lalalalalalal ignorance lalalalalalaa.]  I want to feel something. I want to be hurt.


1, left arm, single edge razorblade. 3 inches long, ½ inch wide.
[x] Dermis / [x] Epidermis / [x] White adipose / [x] Subcutaneous fat cells / [x] Nerve fiber / [] Muscle / [] Bone
[x] Vein / [] Artery / [] Tendon
Woke up with all the tendons in my arm throbbing. It hurts to move my fingers. It hurts to move my elbow. It hurts to do anything that involves using my arm.
 Fuck up. Failure.