“Describe yourself in ten words.”
I could describe myself in one. “Bad.”
Or in one-hundred-thirty-six;
stupid. brainless. idiot. selfish. self-centered. egotistical. vain. hopeless. unsuccessful. unsatisfactory. unproductive. uncreative. failure. disappointment. letdown. catastrophe. fuck-up. malfunction. unproductive. uncreative. useless. inadequate. insufficient. laughable. deficient. waste of time. waste of space. sorry waste of skin. worthless. rubbish. waste. insignificant. careless. immature. childish. burden. greedy. gluttonous. insatiable. needy. clingy. dependent. pathetic. wretched. weak. pitiable. disgusting. revolting. repulsive. sickening. nauseating. filthy. dirty. soiled. horrible. horrendous. atrocious. awful. dreadful. vile. foul. polluted. nasty. abhorrent. unpleasant. unbearable. annoying. irritating. enraging. frustrating. infuriating. dishonest. hypocritical. liar. thief. deceitful. manipulative. controlling. corrupt. insincere. fake. ugly. hideous. fat. plump. chubby. overweight. obese. large. big. huge. giant. enormous. massive. gigantic. flabby. lard ass. bitch. moody. slut. whore. unstable. crazy. insane. foolish. reckless. out of control. thoughtless. irrational. insecure. empty. shameful. embarrassing. embarrassment. angsty fucking teenager. emo kid. crying, sniveling child. ungrateful. unappreciating. arrogant. ignorant.
I wish I could carve every single one into my skin. but even my canvas isn’t big enough.
I am sure that inside I am made of terrible things. My blood is an oil spill. My bones are splintered wood. My organs are toxic waste containers [WARNING: BIOHAZARD]. My skin is sandpaper. The little hairs along my arms are thorny and sharp.
My tears are gasoline and antifreeze.
Dad has his face in his hands, shaking his head slightly, in that I’m-so-disappointed way.
Not only am I a fuck-up, I’m an expensive fuck-up. hospital bills. therapy. pills. $5,000 a day treatment centers. And for what? It hasn’t changed me. Hasn’t fixed me. I could at least have the decency to leave and destroy myself on my own money, on my own time. but I’m a parasite and will stay and take all I can. gobble gobble gobble.
I wish I could stop being depressed. I wish I could stop hurting myself. I wish I could stop failing at everything. I wish I could stop wishing and be a wantless, pure thing.
I need to lose weight. I need to feel safe again.
i won't let you say goodbye, and i'll be your reason why.
i check your blog (this & tumblr) religiously. you're one of the only blogs that i check on a day to day basis. hearing what you read tears me apart. i swear i can feel every bit of agony you write, but i'm still not even close to being able to understand. I want to do something for you so fucking ajsdakd badly. when i saw that the x changed from "recovery" to "in between", it killed me. it hurts to see it ticked "relapse". i want to do everything i can for you. i need to do everything i can for you.
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