crash&burn.

it's hiding in the dark,
It's teeth are razor sharp.
there's no escape for me,
it wants my soul, it wants my heart.

Binged and purged all day. Threw up a loooot of blood. More than I ever have.
I'm scared shitless. Nothing scares me like this does. I hatehatehate binging and purging. I hate it so fucking much. I feel needy and pitiful and pathetic and gross and ill and weak.
It's just one time [or siiiiix times, whatever] but I am terrified. I remember what it's like to be caught for months and months doing nothing but eating and throwing up. When you're eating, all you can think about is when you'll purge. When you're purging, all you can think about is what you're going to eat next. For four months I did it 2-20 times a day and I really fucking don't want to go back to that.
I've noticed that when I binge&purge I burn/brand/bruise myself more, and that when I restrict I cut more. I thankfully don't have any lighters right now, though, so I'm safe.
Of course, now I really want to burn. Really. fucking. bad. Burning is so much more intense than cutting. And it's instant. It doesn't take a few minutes to create a big amount of damage. Heat up some metal against a lighter, holding it with tweezers, then when it's red and orange from the heat drop it on your skin and press in. The pain is so intense and shocking, it takes your breath away. Peel the metal off your skin and watch the white, translucent bubble of fluid that pops up immediately.
Again, no lighters. We have an electric stove and I'm sitting here debating if I'm going to heat the burner to red and lay my arm on it. Probably not the greatest idea.
aldekawjekajea. Fuck. I hate days like this.