It's so amazingly easy to deceive myself. 'Oh, I'm too busy to eat.' 'There's no time, it's not because I'm dieting.' Yes. There's no time to eat. Preparing food steals too much of the time I need for school and family and my horse. Lunch you have to cook and serve but a cigarette takes only two minutes.
God damnit. I want control over this. This is so fucking frustrating. EAT. Just EAT. I mean, is that so hard? Breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner. I can't do it. 2000 calories a day every day, foodfoodfood.
I don't understand. The day before yesterday I was binging like crazy and now I'm freaking out over eating anything at all. Last night I went to dinner with my parents and ordered a spinach omelette and almost started crying because I only was able to eat 1/4 of it and everyone was yelling at me and awekajeklawjea. Food is so stressful and there's so much fighting, it's just easier to not eat at all.
I cut three days ago. It's not deep or anything, only into white fat and not yellow/brown, so it doesn't desperately need to be mentioned to anyone, right? I mean, I know the deal was if I cut again I'd have to go inpatient, but if I go now I won't be back in time for the new school in January most likely.
I'm worried about Tiger. I don't think I'm here enough for her. Sorry, love. =/ <3
On the bright side, I get to see Dakota this weekend. =D I haven't seen her since June, I'm so excited.
i won't let you say goodbye, and i'll be your reason why.
But you know those things are wrong. And hon, you're having a hard time. I just want to point out that that doesn't make you weak, or a failure. <3 Just in case you were thinking that.
ReplyDeleteI think you should consider going to inpatient.
Don't you worry about me, Love. You're here plenty. Even when you don't think you are, you are. <3333333
Also, *hugcuddlelovespewsnuggle*
ReplyDelete