Bone check.
Every day, multiple times a day.
I take off my shirt. Touch the hipbones, highlighted by the sunlight. Turn so I am in darkness, and they're overcast wedges on my skin. Facing the mirror I suck in my stomach and stare. I grab underneath my ribcage and reach in and feel an organ, vulnerable. I flex my arms back and stare at the subtle ribs in my chest, between collarbones and cleavage. I turn my back to the mirror to see behind me, and stretch like a cat, see the ribs rippling by the spine. Turn to see vertebrae in profile, like a mountain range, bumpbumpbumpbump. Strech arms upwards, shoulder blades jut. They look like wings trying to bloom. Turn around again, collarbones. I grab onto them like nothing else in the world is solid. I drip some water on top of them and the hollow holds the pool. Bend shoulders back, acromion pops out the top of my arm. I grasp it, a little ball sitting just under my skin, implanted.
I hit my bones. Pound on my hipbones with my fists until they are lemon coloured bruises. I scratch my ribs up and drown, taking off skin.
I grasp all the fat on my body. Handful of my stomach. Handfuls of my thighs. Breasts. Butt. Calves. Underside of arms. I pull and pinch and grab and pull again.
i am so cold. why am i never warm? i can't remember the last time i was warm, the last time heat filled me up. i think i was warm once, almost. it was snowing, ironically, and i was running around outside without a jacket on, laughing, feeling invincible because i was Not Cold. maybe i was never warm at all. always frozen.
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