twenty-three.

The water is that weird, rust colored pink when I stand and crawl out.
There's blood on the sides of the bathtub, streaming into the basin.

There's blood on the floor. On the counter. On the toilet seat. On a soaked pile of napkins in the corner. Streaming down my arm, hitting the floor still warm and clotted.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15.

Then there's the razor, sitting on the side of the bathtub, a pool of red around it and little chunks of flesh. It sits there in a grinning sort of way, saying that it wins, again, that it always wins.

I don't remember running the bath. I don't remember ribboning my arm and leg. I don't remember losing enough blood to make myself dizzy. I don't remember bringing the razor to the bathroom with me.I don't remember locking the door.
That's not to say I blacked out, that would be a lie. I was still there when it all happened, but I was watching from behind a fog.

I didn't do this. I swear I didn't.
Was it really me? It must've been.

----
food:
1 cheese sandwich [1 flatbun, 1 slice cheese] [160]
1 can vegetable soup [200] [partially purged. stopped.]
3 crackers [42]
1 pickle slice [5]
1/2 packet apple cinnamon oatmeal [65]


drinks:
2 teas w/ sweenter [13]
1 diet soda [5]
10 cups water [0]


other:
12 cigarettes [0]



total calories: 490


exercise: /12 hour hiking, uphill.




harm:
None today.
15 yesterday. Which is unusual for me. Usually I'll do up to 6 at once. I normally go for depth rather than quantity. Most of these ones are deeper than I'd normally go. I have had no control over SH lately and it scares me because I see them getting deeper and deeper.
The first ones on my arm from a few days ago still haven't closed or scabbed over. They're still wet and sometimes bleed. Only one looks infected and that's the shallowest one. 
Ones from two weeks ago on my leg probably will be healed in a little over a week. Yaaaaay.


notes:
I know I said I wouldn't count tea, but I'm counting it because of the sweetener. I meant if I started counting plain tea. :P
SAWAJKHWAJKWEA. Why am I in such a crap mood? :c

And today was a complete failure at eating properly. D:<