crash&burn.

Last night attacked me.

Everyone hated me. I heard what I already think of myself every day, only from someone else's mouth. It confirmed everything.

 

Dad saw my scars and I swear he almost threw me through the window. He's still trying to talk to me, but he's getting tired of me too.

Mom had me sit in the main room with grandma and Dad as all the movers came in and out delivering furniture and said "It sucks having everyone see what a failure you are, doesn't it?"
No one asked if I was okay. I wouldn't expect the strangers to, but I used to think my family might care. I should cut the self-pity crap but it hurt.

 

I cried for hours. Every part of me I hate has been pointed out. I hate that I'm so weak and cried so much. It shouldn't effect me so much.
Even good things were turned bad. Mom made fun of how I talk to Tiger, in a high girly voice. " 'Ooooh she's sooooo wonderful. I love her soooooo much. MY HEART IS JUST BUUUUURSTING WITH LOOOOOVE. I can't waaaaait to hold you in my arms.' No, Arianna, she just wants in your pants. If she is even a she. Do you want to be raped?"
I almost fucking punched her. I generally don't care about defending myself, but no one is fucking allowed to talk about Tiger like that. No one. She should be thanking her for keeping her daughter alive. Tiger, don't listen to her.

 

So, thanks Mom for teaching me that:

•  If anyone ever cares for me, even a little , they just want to sleep with me because I'm 'an easy whore'.
•  I'm a failure by nature.
•  Anything I do will eventaully disappoint everyone in the end.
•  I'm stupid for having problems.
• I should never, ever cry.
• When you're at you're lowest, you should be displayed to complete strangers and humiliated.
• The person I am is the most vile, horrible, selfish person ever.
• Any bad memories should be shoved as deep down as possible and never spoken of.
• Anything I do will never be good enough, even if I'm trying my hardest.

In short, thank you for these important life lessons. And of course, my horrible self esteen, inability to talk of difficult memories, and the nagging feeling I'll never be good enough. Oh, and the fear of closeness. I especially love that one, the crippling fear anyone I love will scream at me and hurt me.

 So excuse me if I'm a little bitter with you even after you apologized. If you don't want me upset, think about what you're saying/screaming in the first place.

 

 And, by the way, fuck you. I'll talk to you at meals or whenever it's required, but I quite frankly can't stand you.

 And yes, I will get better. Without you. You're not going with me to my appointments, to fill medications, ect. And I'm going to pay for them, because I don't want you involved. At all. You're not helping me with meal plans or even going food shopping with me. I'm shutting you out of this because everytime we have a 'talk' I end up cutting, purging, or fasting. Oh,and no, I'd rather you not throw me in a hospital for six months because you don't want to deal with my ups and downs. [which, i keep the downs to myself anyways.]

Also, I am pissed at you. More pissed than I've ever been. You didn't just hurt me. You hurt the only person who actually cares enough to be there for me. I'm not forgiving you for that. I'll forgive you for yelling at me and insulting me but I will never forgive you for hurting her.
I'm not your daughter anymore. I'm a stranger living in your house. I'll even pay rent, but I'm not your daughter anymore. I'll be Dad's daughter but I won't be yours.