crash&burn.

I want to cut so fucking bad. I want to burn so fucking bad.

I feel awful. Tiger is doing really well and I feel like I’m letting her down for not being strong enough. I don’t want her to feel like because I’m doing bad that she should too. ughfuck. I promised I would do this. I promised I’d get better. fuckingfuckFUCK.
I have a knife. I have a lighter. I could cut to the bone. I could see my skin bubble. I could do it all over again even though I haven’t actually cut in almost two weeks.


I just want to fucking die at this point. If she weren’t around I would’ve done it by now. If I didn’t know she’d follow me I would have done it. Fuck, I don’t even know what to do. I don’t know how to start eating again. How to navigate normality.
Maybe my parents are right. Maybe I should go to the hospital in Reno. I don’t feel safe by myself.


What the fuck is wrong with me. I didn't even binge and purge this much before. Why am I doing it all the time ever since trying to recover? Fuck. JUST FUCK. How do I get out? How? Just start climbing? What do I do?
WHY CAN'T I JUST STOP THIS? EVEN IF I SWEAR, EVEN IF I PROMISE AND MEAN IT IT'S STILL FUCKING GOT ME. No matter how hard I try or no matter how fast I run it still has me and I just can't. I can't do this. Would if I can't do this? Would if I'm just not strong enough?
It's been almost four years now. Four. Four fucking years out of fifteen but I still can't seem to remember the other eleven. How. How. Just how do I do this?
 
Fuck this. Just FUCK. THIS. I don't want this anymore. Maybe I did at some point, maybe I ran after it, but I don't want it anymore. I just want out now and all the exits are blocked and I'm still here. I'm always here. I want to talk. I want to but I can't and I'm going to scream, but I can't even do that. Something all about control turned into something controlling me. I don't have anything anymore. I don't have my head. My body isn't mine. I can't even feel my heart, where is it? Where have I gone? Who was I and where did she go?
 
I just want out.