crash&burn.

I dreamt that Tiger was walking into a fire.

I kept asking her to stop, asking her not to leave, but she went in anyway and I was standing on the edge of it trying to figure out if I should go in and find her.
I woke up thirsty, the kind of thirsty where all of the inside of your body feels dry.


It's day 21 and the number is much more comfortable. Today will be a good day. I think that may actually be what went wrong yesterday, the number freaking me out so much.


---


breakfast [9am]:
1 packet apple cinnamon oatmeal made with water [125]
2 cups water


lunch [1pm]:
1/2 cup macaroni and cheese with black pepper [220]
1 granny smith apple [80]
3 cups ice water

 dinner [6pm]:
I plan to have 1/2 of whatever is made for dinner, or a veggie burger on a flat bun with cheese

snacks/other:
1 granny smith apple [80]
1 piece toast w/  marinara sauce [96]
1 piece toast w/ 1 tablespoon peanut butter [145]

drinks:
23018209381030881 cups water
1 diet orange soda [5]

total calories: 751 [so far]
exercise:
I plan to go for a walk with poneh at lunch and dinner

harm:
NONE. :D
After-care for yesterdays grand fuck-up is really starting to suck seeing as I have barely any medical supplies at the moment. I ran out of stuff for stitches so I'm just going to have to hope everything heals well enough without it. It's too late to go to the ER for stitches or anything.
I have crappy neon bandaids [yay, colours!], bactine spray, and butterfly stitches [which won't help at all here]. No ointment or guaze or anything. :c So I ended up spraying some napkins with bactine and bandaging my arm with that.
One of them already looks infected, but it's not the deepest one so it shouldn't be a problem.
I really can't wait until I can get to town on my own and buy some better medical supplies. Because as much as I will try to prevent it, I know I'm going to cut again at some point, and it's a good idea to actually be prepared. I despise wearing bandages to no end, but it's getting to the point where I really can't avoid them. It's been getting worse every time I mess up and it's a stupid idea to not take care of them properly now that they're so deep.
Holy shit that's a lot of words.

Notes:
I finally decided it's appropriate to count the calories I'm eating because I have no idea how to make portions large enough without those guidelines. If I start getting too obsessed with it, like counting gum and tea, I won't keep track anymore.
Also. I'm having major anxiety over Thanksgiving. Like, really bad. Last year I relapsed primarily because I was stressed about Thanksgiving. I can't believe it's been almost of year since this shit started again. =/ Seriously six months of recovery out of nearly four years is kind of pathetic. Things have gotten so much worse just in this year, too. Everything has gotten worse. I should know by now that the longer it goes on the worse it gets, but I'm still kind of surprised. Anyways, Thanksgiving. Fuck. Last year was a disastor, I hid food and ate way too little yet still purged. This year my main fear is that I either won't be able to eat at all or that I'll binge and purge. I'm more worried about binging/purging since I've been really kind of stuck in that for the past few months. Being expected to eat a large amount will probably trigger a b/p.My parents won't understand if I eat less than everyone else at dinner or request that they don't pressure me. They see my ED as a diet I impose on myself. They'd most likely say 'Oh, come on, take a break for the day, it's Thanksgiving!' or something along those lines. So I really don't know how to cope. Maybe I'll say I don't feel well and use that as an excuse to eat less. And I don't mean 'as an excuse to eat way too little' just as an excuse to eat a smaller amount than what's normal on Thanksgiving. ughstressstressstress.