monster.

    All day, just bingepurgepurgebingebingebingepurgebingepurgebingepurgebingeagain.

   I'd binge until my waist was 32 inches (normally 26.5), purge just enough to make more room, and eat some more. Then purge a bit more. Than eat a bit more. Then purge a lot, then do it all over again.

   The thing is...I don't like the foods I've been binging on. It's not a matter of like. It's a matter of NEEDTONOTFEELSOEMPTYNOW. Then realize I'm still empty, and push eject.

   I am a monster. An eating, vomiting monster. I don't know. After I purge, I feel so clean and pure.

   It's not the same as emptiness, though. As numbness.

   Girl doesn't like me anymore. Girl liked me a week ago, two weeks ago, but now the magpie Girl doesn't like me anymore. I understand why. Everyone gets sick of me after a while. I get sick of me. I make myself sick. I am sick.

   I  want to be liked. I want to be loved. I want someone to love me so much.

   Girl would've loved me so much. She promised me things. She promised to build me a library to the stars and fill it with faeries and horses. She said that she wished she could do that for me. She promised to hold me and stroke my hair. Promises came out of her lips, rosey lips and gleaming eyes surrounded by black pools of eyeliner. Promises that got under my skin and stayed like warmth.

   It's not that Girl doesn't like me anymore actually, or even that she doesn't intend to keep her promises, or that she doesn't want to love me. It's that I won't let her. I can't let her. The fact she cares about me hurts. It's not a stinging kind of pain, it's a slow, itching, burning pain. It's that stupid, apathetic pain. Stupid teenage angst, stupid anxiety over something good.

   She is something good. She is good.

  I haven't kept my promises. But I don't need people. I'm not attached to anyone anymore, not anyone that is here is see me. Everyone is distanced.