crash&burn.

My mom casts an eye over to me as I walk down the hall, all hollow and white. "Have you eaten today?" she asks. "I ate two poptarts, two rice cakes," I told her. The first is a lie.
I eat a square of chocolate (30.9) in my room, melting on my tongue. I shiver.

Magpie is nice to me. She stays up until three in the morning, talking to me. She tells me how she'll pet my hair and hold me until I want to move away, how if she could she'd build me a library to the moon and there would be faeries and horses everywhere. I smile and lean into her promises, and soothe her when she says she's exhausted but wants to keep talking to me. I tell her that I'll always be here in the morning and that when it's light out we can hear each other's voices. I smile when she says "Goodnight, Ari Doll," and cuddle my pillow. I think of how she said she wishes that I were falling asleep on her heart beat. When we meet, we will be amazing, we decide. We will be breathless of each other and stare for hours. We will fall asleep together after the sun comes up. I want to believe her, I want to believe she'll still like me this much once we meet. I tell her I am fat and have a lot of scars, and ask her if that is 'her type'. I'm being sarcastic, of course, but in all seriousness she tells me if that's what I am, than yes, it is her type.
I want to believe that this will work but it can't, it won't. I'm not for anybody. I'm not comfortable. If she held me, I'd run.

I am selfish. I assumed Dakota had stopped talking to me because she didn't want to be friends anymore. But she tells me that she tried to kill herself. My heart shrivels in my chest and tears jump to my eyes. Dakota could have died, and I wouldn't have known.
She says she'll do it again if things don't get 'better'. I beg her and I plead, but she tells me she's not worth it. It's a lie. She's worth every thought, every tear. I wish I could help her.

Yesterday, 455.3. Today, 100.9.
If I don't maintain weight, I'm not allowed to move. I try to figure out how much I need to eat to do this. 500? 800? But I also want to lose weight before Magpie sees me. I want to be ten pounds lighter or more. I want to look like I am worth all her affection.
I'll keep losing, and water load my next appointment. I will be a water balloon that a needle could pop. My parents mouths will turn into O's of surprise, the doctor will yell in slow motion, and water and red will paint the bleach walls.