Eventually, your oh so coveted control completely caves on you. You tuck yourself into a private space, into a bathroom or closet or under a desk or bed, and shove things in your mouth. You swallow and nearly choke, you eat quickly and savagely because in a moment your mind will turn on and halt you. You eat everything. You eat your least favorite food and your favorite food, you eat apples and Twinkies, you eat and eat and eat, and even eat a bit of paper. You eat until you are full, but that will never happen. There is a bottom-less hole in you. It cannot fill, it cannot be sated. The more you feed it to bigger it grows.
At this point, I'm seriously wondering if I'm beginning to struggle with binge eating disorder. I restrict comfortably and even with great pleasure until I'm offered food from family. If I'm offered food early in the day, all hell breaks lose. If I'm offered at night and I haven't eaten yet, I do fine. But it's been a week of this. I'm binging out of stress, too, I think. My appointment is in three days. If I don't 'pass' and am not cleared as ED free then we can't move. Needless to say, I will lie.
Anyways, about the binging. I would normally purge, but here's the thing. I can't purge anymore. It's not a physical thing. If I shoved my fingers down my throat in my old routine, I would puke. But it's not that, I freak out now trying. My fingers get near my throat and I tense up all over. I'm rigid and scared and I breathe heavily and can't do it. In a way, I'm glad. That puts a stop to the binging if I don't purge, because if I don't purge I'll gain weight and gaining weight is the worst thing. It's worse than war and death. It's worse than anything you can imagine.
This is way longer than I'd hoped it would be. But basically, today was 1,400. My dad brought me to McDonalds and bought me other treats through the day. Being offered food by famiyl breaks me down. If my dad held up a slug to my face and told me to eat I would probably do it.
In a week, I can finally get Diet Coke again. I've been without it for two weeks and it's driving me a little mad. I live on the stuff. If you cut me open, you'd see my veins are made 53% of it.
I'm thinking of smoking. It would be something to occupy my mouth and curb my stomach. My dad keeps cartons of them. He would notice a few gone, right?
I'm awful. At some point, I turned into a lying, stealing loser. I steal diet pills and I steal measuring tape and I steal steal steal to enable my own behavior. I take my magic pills because they make me strong and wrap red tape around my belly and sip some tea. It's a pretty picture, isn't it? Can't you just see a cigarette sticking out the side of my mouth, too?
Anyways. Old Plan: Don't eat. Whine about not eating. Eat dinner. Possibly like a pig.
New Plan: At breakfast, drink two glasses ice water. One cup of peppermint tea and one packet Truvia is acceptable. At lunch, put 1/16 teaspoon onion powder and seasoned salt in a mug. Heat until boiled. It's like broth. At dinner, preferably cook for everyone then dirty a plate for yourself, but serve your portion to someone else. If I'm actually going to eat, make home soup (20-90). After dinner, collect thinspo (yes, I'm in the habit now), drink Diet Coke, cut, whatever it takes to not eat.
Rules are in order, too. Some of them are old rules pimped out.
Eating Rules -
1. Every bite must be chewed 27 times, no more or less.
2. Ideally, each bite should be no bigger than my two front teeth.
3. But, since this cannot always be done with other people, the rule can be reduced to not taking any bites that cause stretching my lips.
4. A sip of water must be taken between every bite, or every other bite.
5. When eating, it must only be done if I am actually hungry. As in stomach hurting and dizziness.
6. 50-150 calories is ideal, under 500 is alright, 800 and under is the limit. This rule has an exception, because there are 'reward' days for: A. special events, i.e. a birthday or holiday. B. for a metabolism boost when weight loss has halted C. as a reward for BMI dropping a full number. Under these circumstances, the limit is 1,200.
7. Punishment for eating over the food limit can be: One cut per fifty calories over, three hundred thirty-three leg lifts per fifty calories over, five hundred sit-ups per 50 calories over, deduction of 100 calories from the next day's limit per fifty calories over, or a ten hour fast per 50 calories over.
Weight Rules -
8. Failure to reach a weight goal but being within five pounds of it results in reducing in take by 50 until the goal is reached.
9. Failure to reach a weight goal but being within ten pounds of it results in reducing in take by 100 until the goal is reached.
10. Success in reaching a weight goal in time, at the exact weight, is rewarded with a 900 calorie day. Only white foods, grey foods, and one black food are included in this.
11. Success in reaching a weight goal in time, under the weight expected, is rewarded with a 1,200 calorie day. Black foods are included in this in an unlimited amount so long as they are under the limit.
12. Buy pretty beads and ribbon. Wear a large ribbon wrapped around wrist. When 1 pound is lost, one bead is added to the ribbon. If a pound is gained, a bead is taken away.
That's sufficient. Good night. I've got about six hours of exercise to do.
EDIT -
It occored to me I never introduced myself. How rude.
My name is Arianna. I'm fourteen. I've been ENDOS, Anorexic, and Bulimic. Now, I don't know what the hell I am but miserable.
I'm a professional artist. I'd share some art with you guys, but I'm paranoid because I'm starting to sell art and display in galleries. Sorry.
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