crash&burn.

She got up, turned out the light. I waited in her bed for her to get under the covers so we could sleep.

“Where are you?” I asked, laughing as I reached out to try to help guide her to bed.

I felt warm hands on my face and froze.

“There you are,” I whispered.

She held my face for a while. I don't know if it was only for a couple seconds or a few minutes or even nearly an hour. I was breathless and my heart was fast.

I sat there like a statue. I couldn't seem to move.

“Take a hint,” she said, sounding annoyed or desperate or something.

Here, I was supposed to kiss her.

Instead, I starting talking.

“You know what the origin of the word hint is?” I blurted. “Well, there was this dude....His name was Minos...and the Gods were mad about his bull. Because he was supposed to sacrifice his best, yeah? And he didn't because He loved the bull so much. So the Gods made his wife fall in love with the bull. She had SEX with it! And there was a baby! And it was a minotaur. Because the dude's name was Minos, and Taurus means bull. So mino plus taur equals minotaur. And then, I dunno what happened after that, but eventually the minotaur was in the labyrinth and some hero was put it in to kill it. Well, not to kill it the minotaur was supposed to eat him so he couldn't stop virgins from being sacrificed, but whatever. The hero dude used a ball of twineeeeee to find the entrance of the labyrinth that he dropped at the beginning, so he didn't die! And somehooooow, the word for 'ball of twine' turned into HINT! ISN'T THAT AMAZING?” I breathed heavily, ready to hit my head on the wall.

Her hands had dropped from my face and she was in the corner of the bed, frowning. There were tears in her eyes. “What do I have to do, SEDUCE you to find out if you like me?”

“...what?”

“You said some things...And I wanted to find out.”

After a lot more talking, I managed to avert actually saying I liked her. I'm such an idiot. I could just say it. Say that I like her, so much, that I've never met anyone like her who's so shameless and bold and amazing and heart lifting and.....Shit, I really do like her. I just wish she didn't hate herself so much. I wish she didn't cut her skin, or cry, or hit her walls and windows and herself. I wish I could protect her. So, for now, I have to protect her from me. I'm sure I qualify as a form of self harm.

Trying to eat more.

I was talking to a friend on gmail.

Me: Be right back, going to go eat.

Steven: Okay.

Steven: ...Wait. Ari, eating?! O.o

It made me realize how evident all this is. How I'm ashamed.

My hands move, but I'm not doing it. I just poured my apple juice on the floor, watching it drip.

Happy that people will step on the calories now.