crash&burn.

I hate this.

I am cold and hungry. All. The. Fucking. Time.

For the rest of the time I was at Dakota's, I was huddled up in blankets and shaking and refusing to eat when she asked why my stomach was growling.

I pretended to eat grits yesterday and actually ate a cup of green beans(40).

I ruined everything.

I'm ruining my friendships. I'm ruining any possibilities of being intimate with anyone, ever. Because now, this is my love. This is the thing I hold at night, gripping my stomach, wanting to cry.

I'm ruining my life.

And I can't stop. Can I ever stop? I want help. I need it.

But it's not like before.

Now I'm truly afraid. It's not just a crash diet. My denial isgone.

I had nightmares about eating at her house. Again. I woke up shaking, and curled into a ball for like, an hour. She was there, and didn't know what to do or say.

She asked if I was tired and I said no. She asked if I was hungry and I didn't know the answer.

While we were painting her room, I wanted to ask her questions she couldn't answer, questions no one can answer.

Am I ugly?

Am I fat?

Do I look thinner?

Do I look prettier?

amiuglyamifatamithinamipretty.

I can't let myself be that bad. I can't get myself do to the level of nothing.

I had to fucking force my mouth open when I got home to eat. I made myself eat way more than I'm used to. It made me ashamed.

But I'm so cold.

And so hungry.

And I need it to stop.

It's...So much. So much.

So much that I want to die.

So much that I wonder if I even am alive.

Fuck. I'm so melodramatic.

My nightmare came true....My parents wanted to go to IHOP. Fucking disgusting. I say fuck so much.

Granola. Yogurt. Half a pancake. Disgusting. Shameful.

I WILL water fast tomorrow.

I'll have nightmares of food again.

And dream of emptiness.