100.

You were the first person to see my body. I wish you'd laughed and said I was ugly, because something about "God, you're beautiful" hurt deeper than any blade.

I don't know where my head is right now. [Haha, ontop of your neck, of course!] But I'm scaring myself.
I'm not here, I'm somewhere else.
Somewhere fucking else.
Where am I?
Don't know.
Why should I know?
Why does everyone always fucking ask me like I should know these things?
whydidyoucutyourself. I DON'T FUCKING KNOW.
whydidyoustopeating. I DON'T FUCKING KNOW.
whyareyousobatshitcrazy. GUESS WHAT? I. DON'T. FUCKING. KNOW.
I don't know and it kills me. Or, nearly kills me. Nearly, but not quite. Like that fucking asshole lion that shreds a zebra to pieces but doesn't have the decency to slice its neck, and just eats it alive.
I want so many things and it scares me. A glass frame broke and I took a bunch of the pieces.
I want to press the pieces to my skin, so hard my hands shake, and drag slowly so I feel the pain very precisely.
I want to take my razors and ribbon the paper white skin along my legs.
I want to turn on the stove, press my arm against the burner.
I want to bleed. I want to gush blood. I want to lose so much that I am dizzy.
I don't understand. I can't hear my own thoughts. It's like they're fucking pounding my head into pieces. RACE RACE RACE RACE. Where the fuck do they think they're going? NO MATTER HOW FAST YOU GO, YOU'LL STILL BE HERE. DON'T YOU KNOW THAT? CAN'T BURN FAST ENOUGH.
Argh what am I thinking? What? I can't hear them. They're too much. please just slow down. please, I need to be clear.
Fuckfuckfcukingfucking.
GOD DAMN WHY CAN'T I THINK.
I'm angry it's fucking shameful. I'm so fucking angry.
I'm happy. Happy. I'm that weird kind of blissful that twists your stomach into knots.
I'm sososo sad. I feel like I'm breaking.
I'M NERVOUS. WHAT THE FUCK I AM SO NERVOUS.
Jesus Christ please just stop.
I want to think for just a moment.
Pleasepleaseplease
stop.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?