crash&burn.

   I’m an idiot.
I went to the hardware store, knowing full well I shouldn’t have.
But I was practically running through the aisles. wherearethey? wherearethey?
I found them in the painting tools. Pretty little blades, different shapes and sizes. Shining in the light and venomous.
I had no money with me since it was all taken. So I took down a pack of three long blades, hid behind a display and tore open the pack, sliding two of them underneath the fabric of my arm warmers. They’re so sharp. So sharp that I accidentally slash the tip of my middle finger, blood flooding the skin. The shallow cut only makes my skin itch for something real.
My head was pounding and I felt even more like fainting. I would’ve puked right there had I anything inside me.
I stole them.  Smiled at the pretty cashier lady on the way out, guilt making a hard lump in my throat.
2.89. That was the cost I should’ve paid for these. Someday I will go back and leave an envelope with money inside, saying what I did and why. And sorry. I won’t say who I am.

   That was hours ago and now that I’m home all I can think about is my new tools. How they’ll cut, how much pressure they need. They’re sosososo sharp. And silver, very new and clean and I want to rust them with blood. They’re tucked into my journal right now, on the page with the drawing of a girl’s face in rainbow colours.
I stared at them for like an hour. The sharp, slanted area is much longer and more angled than all the razorblades I’ve used before. Which I assume means they’ll cut deeper and wider. They’re also much bigger. Five inches long instead of two. My old blades look so puny next to these.
   I shouldn’t have done it. Getting new tools is like planning to cut.
In an hour I’m going to take a shower. I’ll have twenty minutes to myself. If I take one of the new razorblades with me, I know I’ll end up cutting. If I can convince myself to leave them where they are I should be safe, considering I sleep on the couch with my mom until I go to treatment and won’t have nighttime alone.

food;
3 sugar-free cough drops [15]
1 Tums [5]
2 slices Totito’s Cheese Pizza  [330]
1/2c Gatorade Rain, Berry flavor [25]
7.5c water [0]
1 mini Butterfinger bite [47]