I wish:
I could go more than a week without purging.
I could eat and not have a panic attack.
I didn’t automatically total the calories in everything I ate.
I were thinner.
I could see myself how I ‘really am’.
I could just eat my favorite foods again.
That in the last four years I’d have accomplished more than destroying my body and mind.
That I weren’t so stuck.
That I didn’t need to slash my skin to be able to keep eating.
I could be happy.
I had never started any of this.
----
food;
1/2c fat-free plain yogurt w/ 1/2 tsp Equal
5 cups water
2c whole wheat spaghetti [partially purged]
1/4c marinara sauce
1/2c Gatorade Rain, berry flavor
1 slice berry wheat toast w/ butter
I feel immensely guilty for the yogurt. I didn’t even remember deciding to eat it, just suddenly I was pouring it into a measuring cup and mixing Equal in. Just like that. No thought, no decision. Ugh.
I'm failing at recovery, again. Slipping too much. Out of curiosity, I totaled the calories. 715. Fuck.
I could go more than a week without purging.
I could eat and not have a panic attack.
I didn’t automatically total the calories in everything I ate.
I could see myself how I ‘really am’.
I could just eat my favorite foods again.
That in the last four years I’d have accomplished more than destroying my body and mind.
That I weren’t so stuck.
That I didn’t need to slash my skin to be able to keep eating.
I could be happy.
I had never started any of this.
----
food;
1/2c fat-free plain yogurt w/ 1/2 tsp Equal
5 cups water
2c whole wheat spaghetti [partially purged]
1/4c marinara sauce
1/2c Gatorade Rain, berry flavor
1 slice berry wheat toast w/ butter
I feel immensely guilty for the yogurt. I didn’t even remember deciding to eat it, just suddenly I was pouring it into a measuring cup and mixing Equal in. Just like that. No thought, no decision. Ugh.
I'm failing at recovery, again. Slipping too much. Out of curiosity, I totaled the calories. 715. Fuck.
No comments:
Post a Comment