crash&burn.

"Everyone has dangerous fascinations and unhealthy fixations. Some of them are a little harder to explain than others. But most of us know how to keep our impulses in check. We use willpower to fight off our darker instincts. Unfortunately, for others, willpower just isn't enough. The siren call of ones own obsessions, is simply too strong to resist. The thing we used to want ... becomes the thing we now need. Our obsession becomes our compulsion ... until eventually we realize, pursuing the one thing we want most in life ... has left us without much of a life at all. But in the end, our compulsions are still there, even after they've pushed us to the brink of death, or guided us into places of unimaginable horror."

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consumed;
1 sugar-free cherry coughdrop
3 cups water
2 antiboitics

harm;
1, left wrist w/ paint scraper. 1/3in deep, 1 1/2in long. Epidermis [x] / Dermis [x] / Hypodermis [x] / Adipose, white [x] / Subcutaneous fat cells [?] / Muscle []

notes;
I'm worried about Tiger. I wish so badly I could make things better for her, or just be there so I could hold her and tell her things will be alright.

Also, this is stupid, but it's bothering me that when I cut on my arms now the wounds don't gape open the way they used to. There's so much scar tissue that a cut in between two scars is held shut by the stiffer skin, so essentially it's just a very deep line, but not spreading open. It's bothering me because they don't look like 'real' cuts. The solution would be to cut higher on my wrist [dangerous because there are more veins there], or lower on the underside of my arm where there's more fat tissue/padding. Or go to my clean wrist or less scarred right arm. Or just not fucking cut at all would be great.
I'm getting stupid and cutting in areas where if I lose control it'll be bad. I can afford to go a little too deep on my leg but not on my wrist. Last night I cut and I could feel the pulse of my vein under the razor. Like, the beat was being transferred from my skin, through it, and into my finger tips and it was starting to hurt a lot. I kept thinking stopdumbfuckstopstopstopstop and promising three more slashes on the cut, but I'd go past that and go and go and go.