breakfast: 3 cups water = 0
lunch: 3 cups water, 1 stick mint gum = 5
dinner: 2 slices Tortito’s cheese pizza, ½ cup Gatorade Rain, ½ cup water = 355
other: 3 cups water, 2 sticks mint gum, 1 mug candy cane tea, 1 tablespoon ice cream = 39
harm: None. Day 1. <3 Three of the cuts on my arm/wrist are looking infected. Surprisingly the deepest one is healing better than all the others. It hurts like a bitch and it's making it hard to sleep for more than an hour at a time
notes: 1500 leg lifts.
I'm failing so much. I'm supposed to be recovering. I say it over and over, to people asking how I'm doing. oh,good.i'meatingalotofgoodfood,haha! that'sgreat,youneedsomegoodfood!
You know, the best part is because of my mom everyone thinks my biggest problem is binging/purging. When it's been a while since I really had big problems with that. So it's very easy to lie and say ohno,ican'teatthat,it'striggering or ican'teatthatmuch,itupsetsmystomachandmakesmewanttopurge. It's all so very easy. Hide food, lie about it, twist the truth back on itself until it breaks.
I'm better i'm better i'm better.
recovery lie.
this isnt recovery. counting your calories ISNT recovery. recovery is in reach, you can do it... you just have to stop telling yourself otherwise.
ReplyDeleteHeyyy. You're still getting there, you're just having a setback. Remember why we're doing this. Don't you want to LIVE again? With me? I certainly want you to. And putting my needs before you is selfish, but I think it's an acceptable selfishness. I love you so fucking much. I want what's best for you, and I want you to be okay. Good, even. Not because I love you any less when you're not. But because I care about you.
ReplyDeleteI've noticed you've started counting gum and tea and the like again. Maybe it's time to stop counting calories again? <3
Hey, I love you so much. SO fucking much. You mean everything to me. And you're beautiful and amazing and gorgeous and fantastic and stunning and wonderful and adorable and lovely and just...just... -sigh- I can't describe how precious to me you are. How wonderful. I wish you could see what I see.
I love you.
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