crash&burn.

it's night and it's cold, and outside in the sky it's like the stars are attacking it, punching bright holes in the dark.

it's raining. my head is pounding and I look for the moon behind the clouds. i send her a message to the moon, without words but it'll get there still.
i smoke. i smoke and i smoke and my hands are shaking. i smoke and try to not think about the fact i know i haven't eaten enough.
this is not one night. this is a million nights, one memory, recent and far away. it slips from my grasp, changes into a slippery fish, moving through the dark water, and i'm swimming after it.
when i was younger i was always afraid to swim with other people, because i was a good swimmer, good enough to keep my head above water. but what if someone started drowning, and i was with them? how would i hold them and myself up? so i never wanted to swim with anyone else.
but now i'm swimming with someone, neither of us quite know how to anymore. but we abandoned our sinking ships, and are tredding the sea. the horizon is nothing but water, more water and more. the shore is far away but i don't know where my ship is anymore, so i can't go back. if she drowns, i drown, but Iill hold her up the best i can.


i think of people, all the people i've ever met, and how their eyes are like longing when they meet someone new. everyone hopes that this person, this new person, is going to be their savior, their best friend, their lover, or even their enemy just because everyone wants to be connected somehow. hated or loved, but never does anyone want to be the subject of indifference.
i'd rather be tortured or adored by someone rather than ignored. but at the same time, i want everyone to leave me.
leave me and the stars in their eyes and let me be alone.


loneliness is better than love that holds you up and better than food that fattens and better than sleep that scares. it carresses you, shadows along your body and highlighting the hollows.
loneliness does not care. loneliness does not make you fight, does not make you try. loneliness will eat you up and let you do whatever you would like.


my wants are frightening. i want death all over my body, death shining in my eyes. the look and feel of death, bone-thin and bone-pale. but i do not want to die. i want to walk the line, the soft hum of it trying to make music inside of me, but i will not cross the line into Life or into Death. Iill walk, be outside of Time and Space and Life and Death.
i do not want to die. there are a million voices yelling at me "DO YOU WANT TO DIE? IS THAT IT?", asking whywhywhy. i don't want to die, not yet. I will be 100 when I die, ancient like a redwood and gnarled like an oak. No, I don't want to die, I want to disappear. Erase me, fade into the sidelines. walking that line, a march on my own, everyone forgetting my existence.


reflected in the water, i see my reflection and mine only. I am alone.