crash&burn.

Breakfast:
3 ice cubes
3 cigarettes
Breakfast = complete failure.


Lunch:
1 packet reduced sugar oatmeal made with water
Dinner:


Snacks/Other:
Small binge? [1 can light soup, 1 sugar-free popsicle, 4 mini cheddar cheese rice cakes, 1 teaspoon vanilla soymilk]
Drinks:


Harm:
None so far. My leg hurts really bad, though. I love how I complain about something that's my fault. :P But I seriously have run out of room on my right thigh, which has been my preferred area for the past three months. I could cut over scars but that A. HURTS REALLY FUCKING BAD and B. Causes scar tissue that looks like ground beef. I could cut my left thigh but the thing is I think the nerves on my right have actually gotten damaged and that's why it's stopped hurting so much on that side. My left side still hurts like my usual pain tolerance. Not that I actually deserve to not be in pain, but still. It's weird to think that I might have nerve damage. When I was cutting last night, I wasn't feeling it in the place I was cutting, but on my calf. That's a bit weird.
I really shouldn't be planning what my new area is going to be. Since I let myself cut for the past few days I'm right back at the beginning. Yay.


Notes:
I can't believe it's day twelve. That's nearly two weeks. I feel like I should've gotten somewhere more than where I am right now, considering I think I've had three days in that time where I actually ate properly. But I did learn to manage my thoughts slightly better. And except for the past four days, I didn't cut. There's a lot of ups and downs but I'm starting to learn that the ups are actually worth it. To be happy, really happy, even for a little while, is worth crashing later.
I was thinking last night in bed about Tiger. Just thinking. About how out of all the thousands of people I've met in my life, why she is the one that changes things. Out of all the people, it's her who helps me up. It could've been any of the other people I've met but at the same time it could never be any of them, because they're not like her. They don't...have that bond with me. The connection. And I don't think I could have that with most people. The Friend and I have a connection somewhat the same, but it's gotten smaller and smaller over the years. Dakota and I used to, but we pulled apart too. I don't know where I'm even going with my thoughts, but I'm just thankful to have her. I really am. I don't think I've ever cared about someone so much, or had someone care about me so much. Blahblahblahblah.