Just when I want to give up and say fuck it to this whole recovery deal, I wake up with the most lovey, amazing speech in my email that I’ve ever received in my entire life about how much I’m loved/cared for/why were’ going to recover and meet and be amazing. I love this girl so fucking much. For saving my life all the time. For making me happy. For being there. <3
Also, on another note. I'm feeling a lot of anxiety over Halloween and candy. Dakota offered for me to go trick or treating with her, and us much as I want to...I can't. I'm not ready for so much candy. I know Dakota won't force me since I recently told her how bad things really have been, and she's never forced me to eat, but I just won't feel comfortable. Basically I'm staying home, not putting on a costume, or doing anything because I'm afraid. Last year during Halloween I was with Dakota and I purged [this was before my all out relapse], and now things would be much worse. She's so upset because she saw a picture of me [she asked, i gave] and was freaking out. She worries about me and I don't want to be around her while I still have this much food-anxiety. Next year I will fucking enjoy my favorite holiday.
Breakfast -
1 packet reduced sugar maple oatmeal [made with water]
1/4 cup Kix cereal added to the oatmeal
1 mug water
Lunch -
1/2 of a lettuce and cheese sandwich [1 slice wheat bread, 1/2 slice cheese, 1 piece lettuce] [i couldn't stop thinking about purging. so then...]
4 poptarts, 4 breadsticks, three mini rice cakes, a slice of vegetable pizza, a peanutbutter and jelly sandwich, whiskey, and Sunkist soda, all shoved in my mouth in under ten minutes after taking forty minutes to eat the stupid sandwich half. I purged. Fuck. I have lovely bags of sick hanging out in my closet now. Apparently I'm too fucking weak to go for two days of normalness.
Dinner -
It took forever for me to decide to eat dinner because I fucked up at lunch. But I figured that if I get into the mindset to restrict to make up for a binge/purge, I'm right back where I normally am. So I ate a small piece of vegetable lasagna. And drank whiskey mixed with orange soda. The latter was pretty stupid. No more alcohol, I know my personality doesn't do well with anything addictive. I purged about a quarter of the lasagna and stopped. It's just that because I don't need to use my gag to purge anymore, it's so easy to just flex my stomach muscles and get rid of the guilt. I need to stop that, too.
Snacks -
Yogurt
Drinks -
1 propel
A ton of soda during lunch b/p
Exercise -
A walk.
i won't let you say goodbye, and i'll be your reason why.
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