I'm freaking out.
I know I should eat. All I've had today is sugar-free gum [25], artificially sweetened tea [6], ice water [0], and sugar-free lemonade [5]. I know I should eat.
But then there's the battle. I could eat a large amount of low calorie food but then I'll feel gluttonous. I could eat a small amount of high calorie food but then I will binge/purge because all high calorie things are black, impure foods. I could eat a moderate amount of moderately caloric things but that is too normal. Or I could eat a small amount of low calorie things and feel safe, but then it will come out to under 100 calories for today so I might as well just fast.
fuckfuckfuckfuck. I can't even believe this is my head.
Today was awesome. I felt awesome. Yesterdays hallucination was gone and so was the binging and purging and everything was fine. I was happy.
But then there's the battle that comes up and it's easier to just not-eat and stay happy.
I know I should eat. All I've had today is sugar-free gum [25], artificially sweetened tea [6], ice water [0], and sugar-free lemonade [5]. I know I should eat.
But then there's the battle. I could eat a large amount of low calorie food but then I'll feel gluttonous. I could eat a small amount of high calorie food but then I will binge/purge because all high calorie things are black, impure foods. I could eat a moderate amount of moderately caloric things but that is too normal. Or I could eat a small amount of low calorie things and feel safe, but then it will come out to under 100 calories for today so I might as well just fast.
fuckfuckfuckfuck. I can't even believe this is my head.
Today was awesome. I felt awesome. Yesterdays hallucination was gone and so was the binging and purging and everything was fine. I was happy.
But then there's the battle that comes up and it's easier to just not-eat and stay happy.
But no. I'm too weak to eat so I don't deserve happiness. I'm going to go burn my legs, I think.
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