crash&burn.

  I was getting better. It scared the hell out of me but it was happening. I was still purging everyday but I was eating enough that it didn't effect anything. I hurt like fuck, but it was going to be okay.

  Then I screwed it up. Like always.
It's funny, the power you can have over your body. Starve it, see it shiver and shake. This thing that has always been your cage is suddenly prisoner to you, doing what you wish and falling apart. It's not real power, I know that. I know. But it feels like it.

  "You look like a cancer patient with hair." "Your face is bony and ugly." "You're starting to look anorexic, Arianna." "You used to be beautiful, now you're just UGLY."
thank you.
   "I don't fucking care if you want to do this. Just don't do it with my money and my food. If you want to starve yourself, fine. Do it. Just stop puking up my money."
i'll go do that, mother.
   "You can't even do that right! You can't even do anything right. Just go sit in the bathroom and puke, at least you can do that."
i didn't fucking eat that day. i don't see why the hell you went on about me purging when I DIDN'T EAT. i barely even drank. and i know. i know i can't do anything right. hopefully i can at least starve myself, right?


YOU FUCKING BITCH. LOOK AT YOU. TAKE A GOOD FUCKING LOOK. YEAH, THAT'S YOU. LOOK AT YOU. YOU'RE QUITE THE FUCKING MESS, AREN'T YOU? HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR HAIR? NO. PUT ON MAKEUP? NO. LOST THAT SIXTY POUNDS? NO. HAVE YOU DONE ANYTHING OF IMPORTANT WITH YOUR LIFE? NO. YOU JUST CUT YOURSELF AND PUKE. YOU FUCKING FAT ASS BULIMIC. WHAT HAPPENED TO 50 CALORIES A DAY? OR EVEN 100? WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THAT? OH YEAH, YOU'RE A GREEDY PIG. THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED. YOU'RE THE BIGGEST FUCKING WHALE I'VE EVER SEEN. EVER. I DON'T SEE HOW THE HELL YOU'RE BIGGER THAN A 200 POUND LADY. I MEAN, REALLY? 80 POUNDS LOST AND YOU'RE STILL THIS FUCKING HUGE? WHAT THE HELL IS FUCKING WRONG WITH YOU. FOLLOW HER FUCKING ADVICE AND JUST STARVE YOURSELF. YOU'RE WASTING EVERYONE'S MONEY. YOU TAKE TOO MUCH. YOU NEVER GIVE ANYTHING. YOU FUCKING BITCH. I WILL KILL YOU. I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU. I SHOULD'VE DONE IT ALREADY. THE FIRST TIME DIDN'T WORK? I WILL FUCKING SLASH YOUR WRISTS. YOUR THROAT. EVERY FUCKING VEIN IN YOUR BODY, BLEEDING OUT. BUT YOU WON'T DO IT, WILL YOU? NO, BECAUSE YOU'RE A PUSSY. YOU JUST WANT TO STAY HERE AND KEEP BURDENING EVERYONE. FUCKING NEEDY, WHINY, STUPID WHORE. THAT'S RIGHT. YOU. ARE. A. WHORE. A COMPLETE AND TOTAL SLUT. I HATE YOU. WHY WON'T YOU FUCKING DIE? WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO MAKE YOU JUST DIE ALREADY? EVERYDAY, EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY YOU SWEAR. 'I'LL STOP'. AND HAVE YOU STOPPED YET? OF COURSE NOT. YOU'RE TOO FUCKING WEAK TO STOP. WHERE IS YOUR HEAD, YOU IDIOT? WHAT HAPPENED TO STRAIGHT A'S? PERFECT GRADES? YOU MADE EVERYONE SO PROUD THAT YEAR. WHERE THE FUCK DID THAT GO? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING SCHOOLWORK RIGHT NOW BUT INSTEAD YOU'RE ON A FUCKING BLOG, WALLOWING IN YOU'RE OWN PATHETIC WHINING. CUT THE SELF PITY. THEY'RE RIGHT. YOU DO SIT AROUND AND YELL 'WOE IS MEEEE', DON'T YOU? YOUR PARENTS ARE FUCKING RIGHT. YOU DO THIS FOR ATTENTION, DON'T YOU? THEY'RE FUCKING RIGHT. DIE BITCH. I FUCKING HATE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIEEEEE.