I take a cigarette and a lighter, the weight small in my pocket, slip on the hunter green jacket with fake fur on the inside, and walk out into the night. Into the woods, past the pet cemetary, past the Equus' stall, and to the big pond. I sit by the wood bridge, slide off my jacket so the smell doesn't cling to the fabric.
In a moment, I'm nothing. I'm with the darkness, my flashlight out, dark inside and outside so my skin isn't separating us anymore. I'm darkness, part of the night. All I am is the glowing ember a few inches away from my mouth, smoke trailing up. After a few puffs I make a what-the-fuck face, as is what-the-fuck-am-i-doing-when-did-i-come-out-here, and put the cigarette out on the knee of my jeans. I barely feel the heat but it burns my pants a little. I shouldn't do that - burning counts if it had been on my skin.
I walk back home and listen to music for hours.
i won't let you say goodbye, and i'll be your reason why.
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