crash&burn.

I could barely sleep last night. I never sleep well after binging/purging. =/

   Today I woke up seriously bloated. My stomach hurts. I swear I gained ten pounds all in my stomach. Even at the highest weight, my stomach has always been at least pretty flat, so now at my lowest seeing it bulging all over the place it's weird. There's like my ribs and my hipbones, and between them is my stomach, like this hard rock that's all round and gross. I want to remove my stomach.
   I also have pooped like, once since this whole recovery deal. That's not unusual for me, but now there's so much food hanging around in me. That's probably too much info, but I don't care anymore. I mean, if you've read this blog, you've already read a lot of gross, uncomfortable things.


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Breakfast:
Skipped. I kept saying 'I'm going to eat...NOW' and would just sit there for ten more minutes before saying it again. Then I started telling myself I'm busy and it's okay to skip, even though that's not true.
If I want to keep up with the rules I made for myself, I should probably drink an Ensure. But I hate that stuff. So, once again, I'm letting myself slip. Yay, failure.
I just worry I'm not strong enough to do this, even with her help. I won't just give up, though. If I stop now I know rock bottom will just be even lower and I'll go falling face first back to it.


Lunch:
1 can green beans w/ salt [76]
1 pasty [160]
 Dinner:
3 slices pizza [950]
Sugar-Free Fudge pop [88]
[partially purged]

Snacks:


Drinks:
1 tea [4]
4 cups water
 Exercise:
Normal activities. Night walk.

 Harm:
At about 3am, I got pissed off. I was like I CAN'T CUT. I CAN'T BURN. WHAT DO I DO WITH MY EMOTIONS? so I ripped off one of my nails. The entire fucking nail. It bled a lot and then I put on a bandaid on it and went to sleep an hour later.