crash&burn.

   "You're lucky, another day and...Well, things might not have been so good."

I remember sitting there, thinking. I was dying? I am dying? I didn't feel like I was dying. Sure, my heart hurt like hell and my kidneys were aching and I was dizzy, but it didn't feel like death. I didn't feel like I was on a tightrope. So I decided that they were lying, trying to scare me. It's hard to delude yourself when there's an IV in your arm, the slow beep of a heart monitor stuck to your chest, and parents crying in creaky plastic chairs.

That was a year ago that I decided I hadn't hit rock bottom yet. But what is rock bottom? How do I know? When I am so dizzy I cannot stand at all? When I start puking more and more blood? What is rock bottom? Why am I waiting for it?

    My parents are serious about this.

   "Look at you, your pants won't even stay on." Mom says, with a hint of pity near the end. "Do you want to die? Is that it? Do you have a suicide wish or something? Isn't once enough?"

  "If things don't turn around soon, we're going to have to put you away again."

   "As soon as we get there, I'm looking up the nearest mental ward to see if you qualify."

    Nononooo. This wasn't supposed to happen.

    So I eat. and eat and eat and eat. You can stop eating now, honey, it's okay. and eat and eat and eat and eat. It's okay, we believe you! and eat and eat and eat and eat.

   DON'T YOU SEE? I'M EATING. I'M OKAY. I'M FUCKING FINE. OM NOM NOM NOM, I'M FUCKING FINE. SEE ME EATING?