"Go away," I hiss.
There's pizza in the fridge, in a box. My favorite kind. I want a slice. I want a slice and then another, then some more, with garlic butter and a tall glass of cola, the regular kind. I want to chew and chew until the stupid wires on my jaw come undone. I've been up and down all night, standing in the triangle-glow of the refrigerator light, staring.
Matilda pouts. "I thought you liked me, though. I thought you needed me. I don't want to go away."
"I don't like you. I hate you. I don't need you. I don't need you."
"Okay, baby. Why then? If you don't like me, why?" Matilda asks, eyes on aim, eyes on fire.
"Because...not eating, eating, uneating...only things that work. They're the only things. Cut, burn, scratch, hit sometimes too...They're the only things that work. Nothing else works." I tell her.
"Mhm. And if you eat, you're going to do what? Cut yourself to the bone and go insane. You'll puke until your heart comes up. I'm here to protect you, babe. I'm your only friend. No one else would stop you."
"Shut up, they'll hear you."
"No one else can hear me, remember?" She smiles wickedly at me in the dark.
"One slice? No cheese, I promise."
"One slice will turn into two. Two will turn into three. Three will turn into all, and all will turn into puke, more in the garbage can. You already need to clean that bag out. Yeah, I saw that; the hugest bag of sick in the history of huge bags of sick. Yuck. Don't ADD to it."
"But I'm hungry."
"It's three am. You don't need to eat, stupid. You only exercised for like two hours. 1700 calories burned? How is that going to make a dent in your giant fucking weight? Go back and do more."
I sigh, and stare back at the box in the fridge before shutting the door. "Okay."
I know Matilda isn't real. It's not as if I believe she's actually there. She's just so loud. I know she's me, I know it's only me talking to myself.
1 veggie nugget = +50
10 baby carrots = +50
1/2 bottle diet pepsi = +3.5
1/2 packet oatmeal, raisins picked out = +48
1 small fruit cup = +86
'2 liters water = +0
exercise = -1700
weight = -0.400 lbs
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