-i'll have an orange...half an orange. that's all. medium orange = 75.
-noooo. you don't deserve an orange. that bag of oranges cost three dollars. there's nine oranges. one orange costs 33 cents. plus, you ate yesterday.
I open the dishwasher and reach for a cup. Steam rises, chokes me.
-i deserve water. everyone deserves water.
-you don't.
-without water i'll die. i deserve water.
-maybe you deserve to die.
-no...no. shut up.
I need to stop thinking.
I pour myself water from a gallon sitting on the counter.
-it's not cold. it's okay because it's not cold. i like cold water. this water isn't cold. i deserve it.
-maybe.
-that's not going to happen. we can always buy more water.
-'oh, we can alwwwaaays buy more water, hehe!'. that's how it always is with you. 'there's always more, there's always more.'. what happens when there isn't more?
-...oh...
-and if that doesn't convince you, because you're such a selfish little bitch, how about we take your usual approach of thinking what happens to you?: if you drink that water, you'll be bloated. you'll be fat. your stomach with swell. it almost looked flat today. a few weeks ago it was concave. what's wrong with you? try harder.
-i'll just pour it then...
-don't you dare pour that water out. now that you've taken it, you better drink it. next time it's tap water. gross, metallic tap water. don't even think of getting it cold either. gross luke-warm that makes you throat swell a little. just what you need. now go take your vitamins, you're shaking. stop shaking. don't be so dramatic. you're so dramatic.
I retreat back to my room, set the water next to a bottle of apple juice I never drank, hide in the glow of my monitor.
Scroll down. Sip slowly. Scroll. Sip. scrollsipscrollsip.
Eventually my fingers find their way to places I can't be.
skinnylove14_ is having a bad binge today. She's eaten 3,670 calories. She's lost control, again, she says. She lost control yesterday too. And the day before. And the day and week before too. Her current weight is 154 pounds, but that's okay because she's only gained four. Prom is in two weeks. She needs to get a grip.
FatFranni, the forum Goddess, has lost half a stone this week. Her BMI is 16.0 exactly. She is happy/numb/enthused/angry/lost/desperate/chubby/thin/obese/wasting away.
passion4ana is begging for '~Tippps and Triccckzzz~'. She's 'new to this pro-ana thing'. Her current weight is 284.
ShowMustGoOn/SaraBeth (she has two accounts) has created a thread about how she's trapped and she can't get out. She wants to recover but can't. Instead, she's devising an eighteen day fast to 'finish it off'. Her current weight is 88 pounds. She is 5'4.5. Girls flock to the thread, begging her not to do this. They say "Please, you're so beautiful. Don't kill yourself." Really, they want to whisper, in a rush of a thousand voices, "tellusyoursecrethowdidyoudoittellustellus.". We all want a Guide to Survival/Self-Destruction. anasgurrl55 pastes in her normal reply to any thread, "great job!!1 wish i had ur willpower...lol.". She obviously doesn't notice Sara is killing herself.
Dying2BThin posts about how she's been binging and purging for five years. Her BMI is 24.9. She's happy though because she's no longer overweight. Posters advise her to please post at the Bulimia forum, not the Anorexia one. Dying2BThin replies with capitals and exclamation points, angry symbols that swarm above her head. She says that just because she isn't thin (yet, because she will be. she will.) doesn't mean she doesn't have a problem. All You Skinnie Minnies Need To Be More Accepting, God. She is overly defensive, curses a few girls out, and is 'banned until further notice'.
sip, check.
scroll, check.
My whole life I've been spoonfed the fairytale version of myself.
FairyPrincessBallerina- Skinny
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