crash&burn.

When I woke up too late from being sick, mom came and sat by my bed.

"Grandpa...He....fell asleep."

I stared, sitting and blinking.

"He fell asleep."

She told me about how he passed at two in the morning.

We're going to California for the funeral.

Automatically, I make plans to restrict so I can be thin for the visit.

How stupid.

I was going to eat half an artichoke and 2 tablespoons of this dressing that's 5 calories per serving.

But I felt sick looking at it, and barely ate any of it.

There were 31 leaves on the artichoke half....The heart was 22.5 calories. So subtract the heart from the 38 calories in the half...15.5 left, divide that by the number of leaves...There's 0.5 calories per leaf. I ate three leaves.

1.5 calories...Ugh.

For my day. 1.5.

Mom asks me to eat yogurt. To make her feel better, I take it.

...And scoop it into a jar.

Twenty minutes later, I come back and toss the container in the trash.

“Nom, nom, nom,” I say with a weak little smile.

At least when I'm sick, my expressions can be true to how I actually feel.

“Are you hungry now?”

“I feel like I'm going to puke.”

“Would you like another yogurt...?”

“Noooo.”

“Pizza?”

“...No!”

I said no a little too sharply that time.

“Chips?”

“No.”

“Wafers?”

“No. I'm going to go lie down...”
“Here, actually take a Mountain Dew with you. The bubbles will settle your stomach.”

I take the can with me.

And pour it in with the yogurt.