crash&burn.

Sometimes it's pretty fucked up that I play the part of this person for everyone in my life, and then I wake up all gone wrong and it sucks.

Everyone thinks I'm so perfect, says I'm so talented and so pretty. I wonder how we see things so differently. Ari Is Beautiful. Ari Is An Artist. Ari Is A Straight A Student.

I have so much that I should've wanted, so much that I should love.

I can think my way into sadness or happiness, but I never feel the emotion, intense and overwhelming. Sometimes I get myself into a mess just to feel the anger and shame and sadness.

Because everything is empty

empty

empty

empty empty empty empty empty empty

so empty it makes my ears ring.

I couldn't sleep because I was too busy researching. Planning.

I slept in too long, but only actually slept for five hours.

In the morning, I'm standing in the kitchen, holding my pants up with one hand and measuring dry oats with the other. 1/4 cup, exactly.

I'm stirring them into a bowl, with a mountain of pumpkin spices and cinnamon. Zero calorie things to make something crappy taste better.

Mom comments on how I should be careful with the spices in 'such a small amount'.

The bowl was so massive. My hand holding the spoon shook for all my trying to finish it.

In the end I mostly failed. Seriously? I ate half of a bowl of 1/4 cup of oatmeal.

Lunch was planned. Dad was getting home, with my drawings that he got matted for the contest.

A cup of lettuce (6) and two tablespoons of Lite Italian (5).

Dinner was as planned too. Nothing is by accident with us. 2 pieces of bread without crusts (90), 3 egg whites (48), and 1/2 piece of cheese (30).