crash&burn.

When I'm staring off into space, Mom always says that I've gone off to wonderland.

I was staring out the window, sipping at cool water, hand on stomach, mind off earth when I heard her asking, "Where'd you go?"

Even though I heard her, I couldn't bring myself to answer. So a couple seconds later I just looked over and stupidly said: "Huh?"

"Where'd you go, you were off in wonderland?"

I grinned. "No where."

"Whatcha thinking about?"

"I don't know."

We ran to the store and got my tea after I spent ten minutes looking for the right one. I got two boxes.

Mom got hair-dye and dog food, and all the little, unimportant things that will somehow mean everything later.

By the time we got home, my breakfast of 1/4 oatmeal was gone, and stomach acid turned slowly and then rapidly.

I love my hunger, but it has to be quelled.

So I made a bunch of soup while I drank my lunch of tea and a bottle of water. More unimportant, little things that will mean everything later.

I love cooking for people. I love watching them eat. And wonder how they can do it, just put the food in their mouth, know what a normal portion is, and not feel guilty. Not starve or purge and exercise. No guilt, no shame.

My legs were sore, standing in the kitchen and cooking. I was up until five exercising. I give myself rewards after every 500 leg lifts, like being allowed to take a trip to the bathroom or have a drink of water, and after 1000 I can watch a movie.

Chop in half a carrot, half a cup of cabbage, one tablespoon of soy sauce, garlic powder, and cayenne pepper.

Soup for me, soup for one that I can heat up before I leave to go to The Friend's house for a week.

Soup for one, soup for me, 38 calories of soup.

And 32 calories of oatmeal.